do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
