i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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