He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
