Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
