you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
