my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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