Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
