So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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