I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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