college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
