Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
