Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
