Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I will die if light touches me.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
