I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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