Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
