Tell her she can't have a vagina
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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