Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
