happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
