How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
