you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
