I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
