I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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