I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
