It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
