I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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