I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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