I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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