i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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