do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
