a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
