Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
