He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
