Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
