Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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