I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
