if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
