All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
