Pappa wants mamma naked
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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