I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
