Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There r osticjed everywhere
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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