The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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