it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
