were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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