I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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