Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
