So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
