If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
