before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.