Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...