Umm I'm too high to move.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
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it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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