I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
