oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How's work?
Spinning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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