forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
