btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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