so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
