I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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