I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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